Speechless

Tonight I am struck speechless.  All the good things that have changed in my life in this recent small amount of time now seem inconsequential to the horrible news that I received tonight.  My heart is breaking because this shouldn’t happen and it seems so unfair.  Such a young life is going to be taken and there is nothing that anyone can do about it.  I know that it happens multiple times a day but this is probably the second time in my life that it is being brought to my attention.

A girl that was in my nursing class was diagnosed with a brain tumor a few years ago.  She made it through the crazy surgery and even crazier chemo.  She went back to school and graduated with her Bachelors of Science in Nursing.  She has just been informed that the tumor is back and growing more aggressive than before, so much so that it is not responding to treatment.  They have informed her, she has about 3 weeks to live.

She is only 23 years old, it seems so unfair, and she is still so young.  The wonderful and sad thing about this all is that she is so strong in her faith, she has accepted this and is not asking for goodbyes but instead wants I’ll see you’s .  She has honestly touched my life with her strength to fight and her unbending faith.   I can only hope that when the time comes for me, I have the same faith that she does.

Meghan,

I will never forget you and I will definitely be seeing you. There is always hope and I will be praying for you.

Ellie

Someone Please Explain

I was in my senior year of high school when I decided that I wanted to be a nurse.  I had been talking to my friend’s mom (who is a nurse) and my parents and we all finally agreed that Nursing was the best career for me.  Once I decided that I was going to be a nurse I threw myself into becoming a nurse; sure I hit bumps in the road but I never gave up.  I was too stubborn to quit. Along the way there was much talk about the nursing shortage and everyone I talked to told me that I would have no problems finding a job.  As I went through school I fell in love with the Spanish language so after talking with a professor; I decided to minor in Spanish and eventually work towards getting my translation license.  After that decision everyone told me my ticket was written.  Any hospital would be lucky to have me.

Now 2 months after graduation I have no job prospects, I am back living with my parents because my lease was up and I didn’t know where I was going to get a job so I didn’t want to sign another 12 month lease that I might have the break.  I have filled out 100 applications and plan of filling 100 more.  This isn’t so much about the work I have to do to get a job; I’m willing to do the work.  What makes me so mad is that no one will even give me a chance.

Yes there are jobs for nurses out there, but the majority of them require (not prefer) 1 year of experience.

Now what really steams me is finding out about Representative Wexler’s Bill which would bring 20,000 foreign nurses over to the US for 3 years to help with the nursing shortage.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  The problem is not the nursing shortage it’s self it is the hospitals that don’t want to hire new nurses.  What is the point of pushing people towards a career in nursing if the hospitals won’t hire you?  If I am in the hospital as a patient no offense but I don’t want a nurse, who is the key to my recovery, so heavily accented that I can’t understand what she is trying to tell me.  Not only that but I came across a forum for new nurses in my search for jobs and there were several nurses licensed and everything that have been searching for jobs for over 6 months.  We don’t need foreign nurses we need the hospitals to get incentives for hiring new graduate nurses.

I am a newly trained nurse, who happens to speak Spanish fairly well, I am a quick learner and I love what I do.  I just need someone to take a chance on me and give me a job.  I would think that a hospital would want to hire new nurses because we are trained on the newest techniques and skills; we are not jaded by other hospital’s policies and procedures.  If you hire us we won’t take short cuts and we will do it right the first time because that’s the only way we know how to do it.  We will work harder for you because we are eager and excited about being a nurse!  Who would not what a nurse like that? Someone please explain this to me!!!!

New Bill that would allow 20,000 foreign nurses annually to enter the US

http://www.mynursingdegree.com/career-news/2009/08/new-bill-that-would-allow-20000-foreign.asp

My last day in the hospital…

“Alright, I guess you’re done for the day, well actually for the rest of your college career.” I grab my coat off the back of the door, swing it over my shoulders and slid my arms through the sleeves.  I start my walk to the elevators.  As I’m walking a realization hits me, I will never return to this hospital as a student nurse, I will never again have to wear blue and gold strips on my sleeves, and the next time I walk into a hospital it will be for an interview (hopefully).  I don’t walk at the usual quick pace that I am accustomed to; I want to take it all in.  I hear the banter and laughter of the nursing assistances at the nurse’s station, I can hear the beeping of an IV pump indicating the fluids are almost out, I can hear the unmistakable sound of a call light going off; all of these things that I won’t hear again until I have a job.   Once I get to the elevators I hit the down button and wait for the ding of an arriving elevator.  I spin around slowly and whisper a soft goodbye to the floor where I learned to venture out on my own; I transitioned from being a nursing student to a nurse.  I learned when to call for Rapid Response, when to question what a doctor orders, how to handle lots of needy patients and how to be the nurse I want to be.  There is no one around during all this contemplation and when the elevator arrives there is no one in there either. The hospital seems oddly at peace, but I’m sure that some where commotion is going on.  I hit the 1^st floor button and ride to the bottom, picking no one up along the way.  I walk again slowly through the atrium, remembering all the times that I have walked through here heading to a new and exciting floor.  I particularly remember my first ride to the 6^th floor on my very first day of clinicals in the hospital.  Thankfully I met up with a few of my fellow class mate in the parking lot and we all walked nervously into the hospital, when we passed through the atrium we were all so nervous and excited.  We had no idea what to expect.  If I could I would love to relive it all over again, or at least watch it and see how much I’ve grown over the last 4 years.  I pass by the hostess stand where so many times I had to stop and ask for directions.  I turn right and head straight winding through the halls that I have walked through so many times before. It seems bitter sweet, but perfect too because I am experiencing my last moments in the hospital by myself, knowing that in this hospital I learned how to be independent.  I turn left out to the Spring Street Exit and the hostess sitting at the door says “Goodbye, Have a great day!”  I turn and smile back, because I know I will.  I am celebrating 4 years in the making I’m going to be a Registered Nurse, Woo Hoo!!!!!

Looking Back at a Year Gone by!

So it is 10 mins before Christmas Eve Eve and I just can’t go to sleep.  Today I came home to my parent’s house and I’ll be staying here until after the New Year.  During these last couple of hours when I should be sleeping because I know that my mom will want to go shopping again tomorrow.  I can’t help but think about all the things that have changed in my life in the past few years and the upcoming changes that are going to be affecting my life in the years to come.

In the past few years it feels like I have been stuck in a rut, basically in the same place with nowhere to go.  But for some reason with the current semester finally over and one more to go before graduation I feel like I am finally getting out of that rut.  I really can’t believe how much has truly changed this year.  My mom diagnosed with ovarian cancer, going through multiple surgeries and chemo, not to mention all of the emotion rollercoasters that went along with that.  Being the medical reference in the family I had a lot of questions that I had to answer and many that I didn’t know the answers to.  So far all scanners are clear so I am keeping positive on that.  My dad, I have been the most worried about because while everything was going on with my mom, he was the only one at home to deal with it. And I don’t think that anyone ever asked him how he was feeling about all of it.  But he held together like the man he is and got my mom threw it.

In the past few months my oldest sister go married, MARRIED can you believe it.  It just seems so weird because for as long as I can remember it has been the three of us.  Don’t get me wrong I love Jonathon and couldn’t ask for a better brother-in-law, but I just keep forgetting how truly grown up we are!  Soon but not too soon there will be kids back in the household and honestly I can’t wait for that!!  Because then I can spoil and play with them and then give them back to their mom and dad!

My other sister, middle one, seems to be growing up too!  She is doing really great with her boyfriend and I wouldn’t be surprised if there was another wedding on the way in the next few years.  Her company that she works for is booming and gaining lots of interest!  I love being able to say that my sister designed that and show them her signature on the inside.  We have not always had the best relationship but in the past year we are finally getting along like I have always hoped we would.  I am so very proud of her and everything that she does!

I have finally made it to my last and final semester as a nursing student.  I have met a wonderful man, I couldn’t ask for a better guy.  He keeps me sane when I want to go crazy, calm when I am so very angry, and he rubs my feet without asking for a foot rub in return! (Mom says that’s a sign of a keeper).  Along with all of that I have made great strides toward volunteering with Sexual Trauma, I never thought it would be something that I was interested in helping with but I am good at it and I help people so I’ll keep doing it.

My friends have had a bumpy ride as well.  My best friend, Kayleigh had a wedding renewal with her husband.  She has been balancing newly wedded life, school and work throughout this year.  I know they’ve had a bumpy ride but I know they are on the right track and will make it through.  My friend, Caroline has graduated and passed the NCLEX!!!!  Along with struggling to find that perfect balance in her life, no matter what road she decides to take I will still be there to support her.  My Friend, Garren has been trying to find herself throughout the past year.  She moved back home and gave up on a failing relationship, it was the best and I know that she will survive and find herself.  I can think of so many more friends that have grown and changed throughout this year, I can’t wait to see how this next year turns out.

The scariest part of this reflection is the things yet to come; Graduation, NCLEX, job hunting and moving.  I will be taking a very big step in my life and while everyone around me says that I shouldn’t, I know in my heart that this is the right thing to do and that if I don’t at least try then I will always wonder what could’ve been.  I don’t want to be sitting here next year this time reflecting on the year gone by and wonder if it could’ve been different.  I have taken advantage of every opportunity that has come my way and I don’t intend to stop now!  Look out 2010, Here I come!!! Happy Holidays everyone! I hope that you take the time to reflect on the year gone by!!  Comments are welcome!!!!

Scared Shitless

I haven’t shared a lot about me personally in my blog, part of the reason is because I don’t know my readers so I don’t want to just sit there and talk about myself, how boring would that be.  Well currently I made a realization in my life and I thought that I might share it.

I am a senior in the Nursing Program at my college.  I graduated high school in 2003 and am just now about to graduate school in May 2010.  Add it all up and I have been in college for a total of 7 years.  When I tell people how long I have been in school the first question that they ask me is, “Was nursing your first career choice?” Yes, since going into college I have always wanted to be a nurse.  I went to a Community College for a year and a half because I was really scared about going away to college.  When I finally went away to college it seemed like my personally life kept stopping my college life.  I lost 2 grandparents and was in a very bad car accident in the first semester that I was away at college.  Because of this I didn’t pass the classes I needed to get into the program.  Things like this kept happening.  It has been a constant struggle to get what and where I need to be.  But through that struggle the goal as always remained the same.  I never gave up on my dream to be nurse.

Now that I am so close that I can almost taste it, and I am scared shitless.  Where am I going to go, what area should I work in, and will I pass the NCLEX (Registered Nursing Exam).  All of these questions are running through my mind this semester.  It seems that everyone in my class knows where they want to go.  I have an idea but I am currently not sure and I don’t think that I am ready to make that choice.  But that is not the scariest part for me.  Through all of my time in the Nursing Program I have had my nursing instructors: there to have my back, they had the answers if I didn’t and they were always there to double check stuff and make sure I didn’t kill a patient (not that I ever did or tried to, but still).  It scares me because I will have to be the one with the answers and I will be my double check and there is no one there to constantly have my back.

I know that I will make a great nurse someday and I am ready to graduate school.  But am I ready for the real world.  For a long time (7 years to be exact) I have had that comfy, cushy feeling that even if I mess up in school I still have another chance to make it right.  There are no more chances, I can’t mess it up, I have to graduate and be a big girl in the terrifying Real World!!  I Am Scared Shitless!!!

Remembering a Day

There are very few events that happen in your life that you can remember exactly where you were, what you were doing and what you were thinking.  I remember the day that I got my acceptance letter in to the Nursing program at my college.  I was minutes from leaving to go to Atlanta; the next morning, bright and early, I was leaving to go on a month long study abroad to Mexico.  I was really confused and afraid when I opened the letter because we weren’t suppose to hear about it for another month.  I tore open the letter and had to read it a few times, I was even shaking so hard that I had to hand it to my dad to read because I wanted to make sure that I had read it correctly.  When my dad said “Yes, that’s right you got into nursing,” I started jumping up and screaming and yelling for my mom.

This is one of the happier moments that I remember.  I remember where I was when each of my grandparents died, when I found out that one of my best friends from high school had been murdered and I remember the day that I found out my mom had a 20 lb tumor on her ovary.  Most of all I remember where I was the day our whole world changed

The date was September 11th, 2001.  I was junior in High School and it just seemed like every other ordinary day.  I had just sat down in my chemistry class, when my friend, Jennifer (this is the aforementioned friend that was murdered) came rushing in to ask if I had heard about the plane crashes.  I was clueless, I didn’t know what she was talking about.  She told me all the details that she could gather from the news program she had been watching in her previous class.  (See some teachers that day let us watch the news and others tought it would be too upsetting.)  When our teacher came in our class room all we could talk about was whether or not it was an accident.  We went on with class, and when we were dismissed I went on to my next class which was lunch and newspaper, so of course we watched the news.  It was in this class that we learned about the third plane that hit the Pentagon and the fouth one that went down in Pennsylvania.  It was then that everyone knew for a fact this was no accident.  This fact gave me chills, after that all I wanted to do was go home.  When I finally got home that day my dad was there, he had left the office to come home for the day in order to hear the news.  We talked about what was going on and what it meant for us.  I remember saying to him, “I don’t understand, what did we do to these people, and why would anyone want to kill all those innocent people.”  It has taken me years to finally come to terms with what happened that day.  I will never understand the urge to kill innocent people.  But from this I have pushed myself to learn about different cultures and religions so that I might better understand where people are coming from.  This is one day in many that has changed the world or atleast changed our world.  Don’t ever forget the people that lost there lives just so these men could make a statement.  And remember to live life to it’s fullest because it can change in an instance.